I generally consider myself a pretty modern, savvy dad. As far as I can, there are only two things I can’t do (other than breastfeeding, which I gave up on pretty quickly after a nasty bout with chapped nipples) a) match my kids clothes, but that makes sense as I can’t match my own clothes and b) put my daughter’s hair in pony tails (this doesn’t cause me too much shame as those little pink and purple elastic loops are forged in the pits of hell by Satan himself). Now, I’m realizing that burping babies also falls into that category as well.
I thought I had all the techniques:
- The “smack ’em on the back will you sort of hop up and down” method
- The “rub their back so hard you can’t tell if you’re just forcing air from their lungs or working out a burp”
- The JESUS CHRIST WHY WON’T YOU BURP “yell in the face” method
But I must be missing something. Because I’m working that kid for 10 minutes and nothing comes up, but when I put the little one horizontal she starts to twist and writhe like the devil himself is inside her. Which maybe he is, who knows. Kids are weird. Other possibilities include:
- She’s working the back end. Work that fart out
- She’s trying to do the YMCA, but her hands are bound by the swaddle. So much frustration
- She knows it’s 3 am and I’m tired. And she hates me
But it could be I just still, after three kids and balloons worth of gas, I still don’t know what I’m doing.